"You've Just Had to Figure-It-Out"

I usually consider myself relatively self-aware.  I'm a deep thinker, and I like to analyze.  I know that I want things in my life, so I'm very cognizant of what it takes to get there, right?  Plus, I have a history of pretty questionable decisions and during my "rebirth" period a couple of years ago, I identified that a lot of that struggle was self-inflicted and I made an unspoken promise to myself that I just wouldn't DO that anymore.  I was going to engage in what an (very ass-holeish) ex-boyfriend called "Right Living".  (Basically, don't make dumb decisions; don't procrastinate; don't avoid action and voila, life will improve.  While the guy sucked, the theory works and has now because an integral part of my personality and probably the one behavior that has allowed me to become successful.)

So all that said, I think I'm self-aware.  And then someone comes along and throws a monkey-wrench in my game and makes an observation that seems so foreign, yet when the light of acknowledgment falls upon it, well I'llbedamned, you're right.

I have a new colleague whom I am training this week.  Apparently I'm a good teacher as I'm always thrust into this role.  Anyway, he is actually going to be one level higher than me when all is said and done.  And after lunch today, we were discussing work-ethic and his observations of our organization.  He spent four weeks with another one of my peers before entering my domain and he was providing observations about our differences.  I was pleased to hear him acknowledge that I work incredibly hard.  It's only been three days, and honestly, it's been three days of my feeling like I haven't really accomplished one damn thing, so apparently I can fake it well.

So we're talking about work-ethic and things and how generation-ally, things have changed.  I'm on the cusp of a generation that just has it handed to them and doesn't "get it".  He observed that I'm someone who has had to "figure it out".

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Really?  I would have thought that people think that I'm someone who has just had it all handed to them.  Someone who has had it easy.  I have, right?  I's been easy, right?

Oh wait.  No it hasn't.  It hasn't at all.  And yes, true that some of that difficulty is self-inflicted, but no, I really have just had to figure it out.

And I never stop trying to do just that.  I'm just not content not to get it.

But it's so strange that an outsider... one I've known for such a relatively short amount of time... was the one to make that observation.

Boarding School, living away from home at 14 - figured it out.
Losing my step-dad, seeing my mom come apart at the seams - figured it out.
Moving across the country to college - figured it out.
Dropping out - figured it out.
Going back - figured it out.
Getting married?...
Being miserable in said marriage - figured it out.
Losing my job, what I thought was my career - figured it out.
Saving my house, falling in love, moving somewhere where I knew no one and had nothing... figured that all out too.

And now, a new career, a family, two step-daughters, relearning how to live as a woman, a partner, a daughter, a friend... and how selfless I can be in those roles... I'm figuring that out too.

So thank you, new friend, for making that observation.  One I didn't know existed.