Lisa Leonard, from Lisa Leonard Designs, is doin a giveaway. (http://www.lisaleonardonline.com/blog/) Her designs are inspiring and meaningful, which is exactly what I love!!
My word of the year is "journey", which is ironic as that is one of the ones pictured. I have spent my life so focused on the end-point, the destination, that I've rushed into decisions and created upheaval that didn't need to exist because of my unrelenting desire to get "there". So I'm trying to focus on the here, to remember the journey, the lessons that I'm learning along the way, and the tempered way that I can ensure I'm doing what's best.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
"You've Just Had to Figure-It-Out"
I usually consider myself relatively self-aware. I'm a deep thinker, and I like to analyze. I know that I want things in my life, so I'm very cognizant of what it takes to get there, right? Plus, I have a history of pretty questionable decisions and during my "rebirth" period a couple of years ago, I identified that a lot of that struggle was self-inflicted and I made an unspoken promise to myself that I just wouldn't DO that anymore. I was going to engage in what an (very ass-holeish) ex-boyfriend called "Right Living". (Basically, don't make dumb decisions; don't procrastinate; don't avoid action and voila, life will improve. While the guy sucked, the theory works and has now because an integral part of my personality and probably the one behavior that has allowed me to become successful.)
So all that said, I think I'm self-aware. And then someone comes along and throws a monkey-wrench in my game and makes an observation that seems so foreign, yet when the light of acknowledgment falls upon it, well I'llbedamned, you're right.
I have a new colleague whom I am training this week. Apparently I'm a good teacher as I'm always thrust into this role. Anyway, he is actually going to be one level higher than me when all is said and done. And after lunch today, we were discussing work-ethic and his observations of our organization. He spent four weeks with another one of my peers before entering my domain and he was providing observations about our differences. I was pleased to hear him acknowledge that I work incredibly hard. It's only been three days, and honestly, it's been three days of my feeling like I haven't really accomplished one damn thing, so apparently I can fake it well.
So we're talking about work-ethic and things and how generation-ally, things have changed. I'm on the cusp of a generation that just has it handed to them and doesn't "get it". He observed that I'm someone who has had to "figure it out".
...
...
...
Really? I would have thought that people think that I'm someone who has just had it all handed to them. Someone who has had it easy. I have, right? I's been easy, right?
Oh wait. No it hasn't. It hasn't at all. And yes, true that some of that difficulty is self-inflicted, but no, I really have just had to figure it out.
And I never stop trying to do just that. I'm just not content not to get it.
But it's so strange that an outsider... one I've known for such a relatively short amount of time... was the one to make that observation.
Boarding School, living away from home at 14 - figured it out.
Losing my step-dad, seeing my mom come apart at the seams - figured it out.
Moving across the country to college - figured it out.
Dropping out - figured it out.
Going back - figured it out.
Getting married?...
Being miserable in said marriage - figured it out.
Losing my job, what I thought was my career - figured it out.
Saving my house, falling in love, moving somewhere where I knew no one and had nothing... figured that all out too.
And now, a new career, a family, two step-daughters, relearning how to live as a woman, a partner, a daughter, a friend... and how selfless I can be in those roles... I'm figuring that out too.
So thank you, new friend, for making that observation. One I didn't know existed.
So all that said, I think I'm self-aware. And then someone comes along and throws a monkey-wrench in my game and makes an observation that seems so foreign, yet when the light of acknowledgment falls upon it, well I'llbedamned, you're right.
I have a new colleague whom I am training this week. Apparently I'm a good teacher as I'm always thrust into this role. Anyway, he is actually going to be one level higher than me when all is said and done. And after lunch today, we were discussing work-ethic and his observations of our organization. He spent four weeks with another one of my peers before entering my domain and he was providing observations about our differences. I was pleased to hear him acknowledge that I work incredibly hard. It's only been three days, and honestly, it's been three days of my feeling like I haven't really accomplished one damn thing, so apparently I can fake it well.
So we're talking about work-ethic and things and how generation-ally, things have changed. I'm on the cusp of a generation that just has it handed to them and doesn't "get it". He observed that I'm someone who has had to "figure it out".
...
...
...
Really? I would have thought that people think that I'm someone who has just had it all handed to them. Someone who has had it easy. I have, right? I's been easy, right?
Oh wait. No it hasn't. It hasn't at all. And yes, true that some of that difficulty is self-inflicted, but no, I really have just had to figure it out.
And I never stop trying to do just that. I'm just not content not to get it.
But it's so strange that an outsider... one I've known for such a relatively short amount of time... was the one to make that observation.
Boarding School, living away from home at 14 - figured it out.
Losing my step-dad, seeing my mom come apart at the seams - figured it out.
Moving across the country to college - figured it out.
Dropping out - figured it out.
Going back - figured it out.
Getting married?...
Being miserable in said marriage - figured it out.
Losing my job, what I thought was my career - figured it out.
Saving my house, falling in love, moving somewhere where I knew no one and had nothing... figured that all out too.
And now, a new career, a family, two step-daughters, relearning how to live as a woman, a partner, a daughter, a friend... and how selfless I can be in those roles... I'm figuring that out too.
So thank you, new friend, for making that observation. One I didn't know existed.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Day 2
So yesterday sucked. No, really. I had all these noble thoughts about how I start my new year and how indicative that would be of my year, and, well, if that's the case, I'm about to enter a year where I am incredibly pissed off 90% of the time, and weepy as hell the other 10. Let's just say that's not going to be the case, yeah?
So then, I started tweeting. I'm not really sure why, frankly, because I've always said I wouldn't do it. But then the Love started and I guess I felt left out and wanted to see what all the hype was about, so I joined. But now it's giving me performance anxiety. Like, there is no way I could be witty eough in 100-and-whatever characters to garner any followers or laughter. And then I start feeling like the Love is judging my lack of comedy and levity too, and, well, I might just have to block him so I cam tweet however un-alluring I would like.
Do you "tweet"? And if so, do you feel pressure to be something your not?
I read an inspiring book today. It was work-related, but I feel rejuvenated in that area and anxious to resume. To achieve. More on that soon...
Okay, I have to stop... You know that little keyboard on the iPad? Yeah, it's not suitable for blogging.
So then, I started tweeting. I'm not really sure why, frankly, because I've always said I wouldn't do it. But then the Love started and I guess I felt left out and wanted to see what all the hype was about, so I joined. But now it's giving me performance anxiety. Like, there is no way I could be witty eough in 100-and-whatever characters to garner any followers or laughter. And then I start feeling like the Love is judging my lack of comedy and levity too, and, well, I might just have to block him so I cam tweet however un-alluring I would like.
Do you "tweet"? And if so, do you feel pressure to be something your not?
I read an inspiring book today. It was work-related, but I feel rejuvenated in that area and anxious to resume. To achieve. More on that soon...
Okay, I have to stop... You know that little keyboard on the iPad? Yeah, it's not suitable for blogging.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
1.1.11
The first day of a brand new year. I've never much enjoyed New Years or New Years Eve. See, I was the product of a divorced family and then I went to boarding school, so New Year's Eve always symbolized the end of Christmas vacation and my return whence I came. I would put a lot of effort into dressing up, drinking too much and waiting for some magical sign from god at the stroke of midnight that would invariably mean something great was going to happen that year. (I was under the misconception that someone else had to create "great" and I didn't have the power to do it myself.)
So then the let-down would set in and my first day of a new year would be spent hung over and disappointed. And then, shockingly, the year to follow would be quite the let-down, too. No wonder, actually.
Anyway, I've grown up some and have given myself more credit and I realize that I have the power to create those aforementioned great things, and doing "nothing" on New Years Eve doesn't mean I'm boring or destined to spend my life alone and disappointed.
So last night, I made some resolutions and then I went to bed at about 10:30. The boy and his girls woke me up at midnight to share some kisses and excitement, and then back to bed I went. (I'm going to skip over the part where I was aggravated by the DJ Hero blaring up the stairs at 1 AM and the fact that I had to get up for work at 5:30 AM and so I'm still not very well-rested and was actually kind of irritated all morning.)
And then I realized that this isn't just a new YEAR, this is a new DECADE. And as I thought back over the last decade (and where it began New Year's Eve 2000), I've come to the conclusion that THIS, this right here, is going to be my time. The last years were fraught with painful mistakes that lead to painful lessons that sometimes had to be repeated once or twice until they finally sunk in. That's been waning over the last year or two and I was settling into that place that everyone tells me comes when one enters her 30s... that place of just feeling more comfortable in your own skin.
That means, I'm ready to make some Resolutions and to stick with them. It's that time.
So here we go:
1. Renew blogging. (See? Here I am!) Writing has always been the place where I feel most at home and it's my time to process, reflect and learn. It's important to take that time and not simply iPhone it away.
2. Cook at least once/week. I'm blessed with a Love who loves to be in the kitchen and he spoils me. But I do really enjoy it and he deserves a reprieve. So, once a week I'll cook - and I'll share my recipes here!
3. Thursday nights are Laundry Nights. It's the one night where we usually don't have anything going on and it's also a good TV night, and then I won't have to worry about laundry during the weekend. "Laundry" will be defined as everything that needs to be washed and everything in our room put away and not draped all over the place.
4. My youngest stepdaughter struggles with reading. She doesn't enjoy it and so she doesn't do it. She has book reports due every month in school this year and the last three have been done at the last minute and riddled with tears, procrastination and just general discontent. That's not giving her the right message and I can change that. So I'll be doing her book reports with her. We will start the week she receives her book; read the book together; and then do the report together.
5. I will hand-write (and send!) thank you notes to my mom for the wonderful opportunities she share with my family. No more forgetting, or forgetting to send them, and then relying on email to say my thanks. She deserves better.
6. 5% of every paycheck into savings. No excuses, I'm just going to consider that money unavailable. Once an adequate "emergency fund" has been created, I'll begin contributing to my 401K again.
7. I will be *ahem* initiating more. Bad habit of letting him dictate when and I'm not enjoying that. I doubt he is, either.
8. The girls love "Girls Night" where we head out to dinner or something just the three of us. I love them too, as I walk away in awe of our relationship and who life-altering it is for all three of us. So we'll do them twice/month.
9. The requisite "weight loss" resolution: This one is pretty low pressure, though. Focus on 2 pounds of weight loss per week until my goals are reached. It won't take long and it's achievable.
10. Last but not least, I will update my status on the above here on my blog once/month! Accountability is always good!
So there we are! I'm in charge of the great!
-paige
So then the let-down would set in and my first day of a new year would be spent hung over and disappointed. And then, shockingly, the year to follow would be quite the let-down, too. No wonder, actually.
Anyway, I've grown up some and have given myself more credit and I realize that I have the power to create those aforementioned great things, and doing "nothing" on New Years Eve doesn't mean I'm boring or destined to spend my life alone and disappointed.
So last night, I made some resolutions and then I went to bed at about 10:30. The boy and his girls woke me up at midnight to share some kisses and excitement, and then back to bed I went. (I'm going to skip over the part where I was aggravated by the DJ Hero blaring up the stairs at 1 AM and the fact that I had to get up for work at 5:30 AM and so I'm still not very well-rested and was actually kind of irritated all morning.)
And then I realized that this isn't just a new YEAR, this is a new DECADE. And as I thought back over the last decade (and where it began New Year's Eve 2000), I've come to the conclusion that THIS, this right here, is going to be my time. The last years were fraught with painful mistakes that lead to painful lessons that sometimes had to be repeated once or twice until they finally sunk in. That's been waning over the last year or two and I was settling into that place that everyone tells me comes when one enters her 30s... that place of just feeling more comfortable in your own skin.
That means, I'm ready to make some Resolutions and to stick with them. It's that time.
So here we go:
1. Renew blogging. (See? Here I am!) Writing has always been the place where I feel most at home and it's my time to process, reflect and learn. It's important to take that time and not simply iPhone it away.
2. Cook at least once/week. I'm blessed with a Love who loves to be in the kitchen and he spoils me. But I do really enjoy it and he deserves a reprieve. So, once a week I'll cook - and I'll share my recipes here!
3. Thursday nights are Laundry Nights. It's the one night where we usually don't have anything going on and it's also a good TV night, and then I won't have to worry about laundry during the weekend. "Laundry" will be defined as everything that needs to be washed and everything in our room put away and not draped all over the place.
4. My youngest stepdaughter struggles with reading. She doesn't enjoy it and so she doesn't do it. She has book reports due every month in school this year and the last three have been done at the last minute and riddled with tears, procrastination and just general discontent. That's not giving her the right message and I can change that. So I'll be doing her book reports with her. We will start the week she receives her book; read the book together; and then do the report together.
5. I will hand-write (and send!) thank you notes to my mom for the wonderful opportunities she share with my family. No more forgetting, or forgetting to send them, and then relying on email to say my thanks. She deserves better.
6. 5% of every paycheck into savings. No excuses, I'm just going to consider that money unavailable. Once an adequate "emergency fund" has been created, I'll begin contributing to my 401K again.
7. I will be *ahem* initiating more. Bad habit of letting him dictate when and I'm not enjoying that. I doubt he is, either.
8. The girls love "Girls Night" where we head out to dinner or something just the three of us. I love them too, as I walk away in awe of our relationship and who life-altering it is for all three of us. So we'll do them twice/month.
9. The requisite "weight loss" resolution: This one is pretty low pressure, though. Focus on 2 pounds of weight loss per week until my goals are reached. It won't take long and it's achievable.
10. Last but not least, I will update my status on the above here on my blog once/month! Accountability is always good!
So there we are! I'm in charge of the great!
-paige
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
I have things I should be doing...
I really do. I wouldn't say I'm procrastinating so much as... okay, yeah, forget it. I'm procrastinating. I have a big meeting at work tomorrow. It's not one of those like "make or break the rest of your life" kind of meetings, but it is important.
Let me back-track. Well hell, how far back should I track?
Okay, so, I went to school for the ever-relevant and practical "theater degree". What one is supposed to do with that in the proverbial real world, I will never know. But as a mentor once said of me, "well, you interviewed well and while you knew nothing about the subject at hand, I figured you could at least act your way through it." She was only slightly kidding. I have a theater/creative writing degree that I have applied in very, very few ways. Straight out of college, I was working for a radio station. I was paid pennies for days upon days of work. It was fun and exciting sometimes, but I didn't see much of a future there. Plus, the "soon-to-be(ex)husband" wasn't doing much with his life, either and someone had to make some money. So I scoured the want ads and flung my resume at anyone I could find. I got an interview for a job and honestly, I had NO idea what the company did when I interviewed. I'm not sure I knew what the company did AFTER I interviewed. Honestly, I'm not so sure I knew exactly what it was we did even after I accepted the job. But accept the job I did, and I was tossed right into the center of corporate America.
Cut to four years later when I was sitting across the desk from a blustering idiot who was rambling on about some nonsense that ended with "we no longer need your services." (I skipped over the hours about hours of blood, sweat and tears I willingly gave during those four years; the weeks I spent away from home and my (failing) fledgling marriage.) And once the devastating news settled and the months of just pain that followed subsided, none of that mattered. I know that it wasn't what I was meant to do with my life. While I was content, I wasn't truly happy and I wouldn't ever do anything more than let myself and those around me who mattered down once it was all said and done.
So no, there actually aren't any regrets. I learned a lot about life in those four years.
So anyway, pain, sorrow, hurt feelings, resentments blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda it's now a year after that "we no longer need your services" conversation and I've been freelancing my way through life. I realized I was missing that ever-necessary component called "health insurance" (and "human interaction," but I digress...) and I decided to get me one of those part-time jobs. It was meant to be a time filler and nothing more.
But I never do things half-assed and the next thing I know, I'm not just climbing the corporate later, I'm like, being propelled up with one of those helicopter-hat things in the New Super Mario Brothers game for the Wii. I never, ever would have thought that I'd want to be a life-long employee of retail establishment XYZ, but the more I learned, the more I loved and now I'm sitting pretty at the middle of the ladder.
ANNNNNYway, tomorrow I have a meeting with my boss that isn't make-or-break in and of itself, but one thing I did learn from that previous place is that every conversation matters. And I know the picture I present tomorrow is going to be pretty damn critical.
And yet, I'm "not" procrastinating and sitting here instead updating the software on my laptop, my itunes and my iphone all at one time (thus making it virtually impossible to do much of anything else because, of course, those little prompts are demanding ALL of my time.) (And yes, I did manage to get this blog written in that time-span. Whatever.)
I guess I'm avoiding the fact that I have to put down on paper that I am working damn hard to achieve the title of "next up" within the next year. Only with "next up" comes the possibility of being relocated and I was just starting to feel like I may have found home.
Oh damn it, see, I blog and get to the heart of the situation. I guess that means my excuses have expired. Next up, we'll talk about that definition of "home".
Let me back-track. Well hell, how far back should I track?
Okay, so, I went to school for the ever-relevant and practical "theater degree". What one is supposed to do with that in the proverbial real world, I will never know. But as a mentor once said of me, "well, you interviewed well and while you knew nothing about the subject at hand, I figured you could at least act your way through it." She was only slightly kidding. I have a theater/creative writing degree that I have applied in very, very few ways. Straight out of college, I was working for a radio station. I was paid pennies for days upon days of work. It was fun and exciting sometimes, but I didn't see much of a future there. Plus, the "soon-to-be(ex)husband" wasn't doing much with his life, either and someone had to make some money. So I scoured the want ads and flung my resume at anyone I could find. I got an interview for a job and honestly, I had NO idea what the company did when I interviewed. I'm not sure I knew what the company did AFTER I interviewed. Honestly, I'm not so sure I knew exactly what it was we did even after I accepted the job. But accept the job I did, and I was tossed right into the center of corporate America.
Cut to four years later when I was sitting across the desk from a blustering idiot who was rambling on about some nonsense that ended with "we no longer need your services." (I skipped over the hours about hours of blood, sweat and tears I willingly gave during those four years; the weeks I spent away from home and my (failing) fledgling marriage.) And once the devastating news settled and the months of just pain that followed subsided, none of that mattered. I know that it wasn't what I was meant to do with my life. While I was content, I wasn't truly happy and I wouldn't ever do anything more than let myself and those around me who mattered down once it was all said and done.
So no, there actually aren't any regrets. I learned a lot about life in those four years.
So anyway, pain, sorrow, hurt feelings, resentments blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda it's now a year after that "we no longer need your services" conversation and I've been freelancing my way through life. I realized I was missing that ever-necessary component called "health insurance" (and "human interaction," but I digress...) and I decided to get me one of those part-time jobs. It was meant to be a time filler and nothing more.
But I never do things half-assed and the next thing I know, I'm not just climbing the corporate later, I'm like, being propelled up with one of those helicopter-hat things in the New Super Mario Brothers game for the Wii. I never, ever would have thought that I'd want to be a life-long employee of retail establishment XYZ, but the more I learned, the more I loved and now I'm sitting pretty at the middle of the ladder.
ANNNNNYway, tomorrow I have a meeting with my boss that isn't make-or-break in and of itself, but one thing I did learn from that previous place is that every conversation matters. And I know the picture I present tomorrow is going to be pretty damn critical.
And yet, I'm "not" procrastinating and sitting here instead updating the software on my laptop, my itunes and my iphone all at one time (thus making it virtually impossible to do much of anything else because, of course, those little prompts are demanding ALL of my time.) (And yes, I did manage to get this blog written in that time-span. Whatever.)
I guess I'm avoiding the fact that I have to put down on paper that I am working damn hard to achieve the title of "next up" within the next year. Only with "next up" comes the possibility of being relocated and I was just starting to feel like I may have found home.
Oh damn it, see, I blog and get to the heart of the situation. I guess that means my excuses have expired. Next up, we'll talk about that definition of "home".
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
A New Paige
I'd be lying if I said this was my first blog.
My very, very first blog I started back when I first discovered the internet in my last years of high school. It was 1997 and I was so very "in" as I stayed up late at night, fiddling with text colors and placement. I was all about the aesthetics, even then. I choose bright yellow and a screaming red - modern, you know. And I dedicated page after page to the first of what would become a long string of unrequited love affairs. It wasn't always unrequited - none of them were, actually. They'd start quite, erm, "requited" and then something would change. But more about that later.
Then I did take a break from the blogging business for awhile. And I started back again in 2004 when I met the soon-to-be(ex)husband. I had much to say about all those wedding details, you know. And of course, it was all planned from the curl in my hair to the 6 pence in my shoe. I never let go of those aesthetics (or the unrequited love affairs... only this one was with the man in my mind versus the man in front of me... but again, more about that later.)
After settling in to married life... and then divorced life a couple of years later, I decided it was time to turn a new Paige and I began a new blog about my life. It was the innocuous kind, the kind I hope this one will become. It was all about me and my heart ache and more than one on that list of unrequited love affairs. I wrote about my dogs, my cooking (or lack thereof) adventures... my explorations of self.
That blog ended, well, shall we say tragically. There is a limit to how much one should put "out" there. (Especially if one is out-putting from work. Ahem. Lesson learned.) That Paige was destroyed abruptly. The entries, of course, are saved. I've read back through them and they hurt my heart. I'd like to think I've changed since then. It's possible.
I had another, completely anonymous and totally fantastic blog. It was... oh, it was a side of me that I never, ever shared. And it was writing like I've never, ever written. I wish for it to be discovered some day and turned into one of those silky, luxuriously covered books on that one shelf in the shelf far to the right at Barnes and Noble. You know, the kind with the red satin bookmark that holds you at that last tantalizing page until you can break free from the real world and lock yourself in a bathroom and light some candles and pick it up again? Yeah, that kind of book. I loved that side of me.
So here we are, back in the present. And I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this page is a culmination of all of those Paiges. I expect there will be some innocuous blathering on and on about my cooking (or lack thereof) adventures. There will probably be some mumblings about the new soon-to-be husband. And of course the latest challenge in my life that comes packaged in 11 and 9 year old stepdaughters. You may even see a bit of that hidden Paige, too.
Regardless, I hope to keep it interesting as I'm a real... Paige Turner.
My very, very first blog I started back when I first discovered the internet in my last years of high school. It was 1997 and I was so very "in" as I stayed up late at night, fiddling with text colors and placement. I was all about the aesthetics, even then. I choose bright yellow and a screaming red - modern, you know. And I dedicated page after page to the first of what would become a long string of unrequited love affairs. It wasn't always unrequited - none of them were, actually. They'd start quite, erm, "requited" and then something would change. But more about that later.
Then I did take a break from the blogging business for awhile. And I started back again in 2004 when I met the soon-to-be(ex)husband. I had much to say about all those wedding details, you know. And of course, it was all planned from the curl in my hair to the 6 pence in my shoe. I never let go of those aesthetics (or the unrequited love affairs... only this one was with the man in my mind versus the man in front of me... but again, more about that later.)
After settling in to married life... and then divorced life a couple of years later, I decided it was time to turn a new Paige and I began a new blog about my life. It was the innocuous kind, the kind I hope this one will become. It was all about me and my heart ache and more than one on that list of unrequited love affairs. I wrote about my dogs, my cooking (or lack thereof) adventures... my explorations of self.
That blog ended, well, shall we say tragically. There is a limit to how much one should put "out" there. (Especially if one is out-putting from work. Ahem. Lesson learned.) That Paige was destroyed abruptly. The entries, of course, are saved. I've read back through them and they hurt my heart. I'd like to think I've changed since then. It's possible.
I had another, completely anonymous and totally fantastic blog. It was... oh, it was a side of me that I never, ever shared. And it was writing like I've never, ever written. I wish for it to be discovered some day and turned into one of those silky, luxuriously covered books on that one shelf in the shelf far to the right at Barnes and Noble. You know, the kind with the red satin bookmark that holds you at that last tantalizing page until you can break free from the real world and lock yourself in a bathroom and light some candles and pick it up again? Yeah, that kind of book. I loved that side of me.
So here we are, back in the present. And I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this page is a culmination of all of those Paiges. I expect there will be some innocuous blathering on and on about my cooking (or lack thereof) adventures. There will probably be some mumblings about the new soon-to-be husband. And of course the latest challenge in my life that comes packaged in 11 and 9 year old stepdaughters. You may even see a bit of that hidden Paige, too.
Regardless, I hope to keep it interesting as I'm a real... Paige Turner.
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